Celebrities that I think are absolutely beautiful.

Hilary Duff- She is stunning, before and after she lost all the weight. She'll always be beautiful. :)

Ashlee Simpson- I liked her before the nose job, but it's whatever. She's still pretty. :]

Ellie Goulding- Her shaved patch on her left side is a little different but she makes baldness awesome. (:

Angelina Jolie- Need I say more?

Kristen Stewart- Okay, I know a lot of people hate her, but whatever. I think she's @#!*% beautiful and anyone who doesn't, can suck my dick cause I don't care. (: I don't care if she was in Twilight, I liked her in Cake Eaters. <3

Dakota Fanning: I like her now that she's all grown up. Her style is pretty rad too(:

Emma Watson- Hello.. look at her.. c'mon now. (: Plus, she's an awesome actress. +5 points. (:

Tara Reid- Plastic surgeries or not.. she's beautiful.

Romola Garai- She isn't a classicallyy beautiful person, but she does unique like no ones business. (: My alltime favorite actress<3

Rose Byrne- So, she's a burnette but I'm convinced she needs to go back to being a ginger because she is beautiful and brown looks disgusting on her(:

Liz Lee- :DDDDD She. Is. Amazing. and beautiful. Her style is beyond kick @#!*% . I love her. (:

Charlotte Riley- She was so beautiful in Wuthering Heights, her acting is beyond amazing. ps. That horse has a twitch in it's eye ;DTaylor Momsen- She's beautiful and even though most days she needs to put some clothes on, I love her style. She's unique and brave.. if I could pull that look off, I would. :) Not to mention the fact that her voice, is amazing.

Kaya Scodelario/Effy Stonem- I love Effy's style. Another more promiscous style, but I enjoy it. :) ps. Cook's hott. ;D

Kerli- She's a little out there but she's pretty and her music is pretty addicting. :)

Showers

My secret: I write all my secrets on my shower wall. I put them all in a list; what I hate about myself, my wishes, my dreams, my lies, my inner self. I write it all down.
And instead of washing it away, I leave it. I always wonder if secretly someone reads it after I'm out of the shower... I wonder if anyone ever notices.

I don't think they do.

unnoticed beauty

It's kinda funny how some people don't even know how beautiful they are. They live their entire life wishing for it, hoping one day they will just step out of the shower and end up in this amazing body with a killer, acne free face and bangin hair. They may not every single thing on that list, but they have enough to be beautiful.
Whether it's the girl who takes a million hours to get ready before she walks out of the house, or the girl who does nothing and still looks amazing. The boy who has been graced with a handsome face and big muscles or the shy guy that hardly anyone notices.. but if they actually looked, would be really good looking.
People just need to open their eyes and step out of their social circles. There is a reason that high school kids never find their prince charmings.. they are so obbsessed being something their not.. or the opposite way around. They are everything they are but that scares others so they're considered 'weird'. But when you get out into the real world people don't stop judging, but they grow up. There aren't circles.. no lunch tables.. no 'cool' hallways.
People are just people. All looking for something different. All growing into themselves.. figuring out how they want to be seen. They actually open their eyes to the beauty that once was hide by the fear of not being beautiful enough.
So I can pretty much gaurrentee that you are beautiful/handsome. I know that. Because I don't need to see your face to know that there is something attractive about you. That there is something beautiful inside of you.
Everyone has it.. you've just got to find the person that will see it.

A huge slap in my face..

Why does it always feel like people want me to be unhappy with myself, just to feel better about themselves? I just don't get why everyone always feels the need to compare their lives with mine.. even though we live completely different lives.
No, I don't have a boyfriend. No, I haven't officially had one. And NO. I haven't kissed anyone or went further than that.
Why should that make me unhappy?
It used to be that you were always the one trying to make me feel better about myself, but now it seems like your the one always tearing me down.
I'm fine with my life. Even if I do secretely hope that my prince charming will walk into my direction and decide to complete my life, just for a little while. But if he doesn't, I'm fine.
I don't need someone to kiss me and hug me. I'm have more confidence in myself than that.. I know I'll still live and breathe the same exact way without a boyfriend than with.. well, maybe not all the time but still.
In serious terms, I will.


So why does it bother me so much that you think I should care?
Why do you want so badly for me to not feel the way I do?
Why do you want me to hate myself for not doing what you used to hate?

I don't know. And I don't care.
This is going to change a lot between us, but I refuse to sink to your level. I refuse to change because thats what is expected of me.
I refuse.

Relationships.

Someone told me that I don't know what it's like to be broken up with. They're right. I don't.
I've never been in a real relationship.. so I don't know.
But they don't know what it's like to sit at home while all the people you care about are out on a date, having a blast, while you sit in your bed and write stupid blogs. They don't know what it's like to feel unwanted every single day of their life with no hope or possibility of that changing. They don't know what it's like to be ugly and fat, akward, 'just a friend'... anything. But I do.
I'm homeschooled. They only place I ever go is wal-mart and I already know everyone there. I'm not pretty so it's not like I can lure boys to me with my looks. And people don't ever take the time to really get to know me, and when they do take the time.. I'm just a friend.
No one ever asks me out and the ones that do aren't any one that I could see myself with, honestly. I'm not going to go out with some I have no intentions of being with for a long time. I don't want a stupid, four week relationship. I want something that will last for a long time, with someone I have fun with and someone that understands me.
So even if not many people ask me out, I wouldn't say yes anyways. And I don't think they get that...
I'm a kid. I don't need someone to make me feel good about myself, I already have enough confidence for that. I don't need someone to make me feel secure about myself, either.

And I definitely don't need someone tempting me to have sex and get pregnant... after all, the only safe sex, is no sex. (:

Change.

The thing I hate about second chances, is that you can forgive someone a million times and the person will never change. But when you finally have had enough, that's when the person goes and changes.You just never know when someone is going to change, for the better or worse, you just never know.

I hate that.

I feel like my entire world has been taken from the atmosphere and thrown at me. I think my consciousness knew all along though, since I've been dreaming non-stop about being shot. Yet, stupidly enough, I'm still expecting to look out my window and see you... I still want you to call. But I've got nothing to say to a stranger.

Needing to be needed.

Dear love..(list of tattoos I want)

• plumbob- behind ear.
• owl on a "haunted" tree- my past has given me wisdom and knowledge.
• June(ti amo, giugno),
• grandma dwyer [roses (for her beauty) and a sailboat] 
• Faith, Trust, and Pixie Dust.
• Link- he's a kid forced into the adult world. Time is precious.
• Dragonfly- represents self discovery.
• Castle (Black represents isolation and secrets/ White represents pureness, achievement, fulfillment)
• Squid- Camouflage themselves/ Octopus- regrow limbs.
• 
  

Knowing yourself.

I wish I could peel away the layers of who I am and get to the core of me. Take away the clothes, the shape, the walls, and just see what I am. I don't need to know 'who' I am, just what I am.



I'd like to know what makes me, me. Why I act so stupid sometimes and why I can't be the perfect person I had envisioned when I was younger.
Well, I know the answer to that last statement... I'm not who I was back then. I don't want the same things in life and I don't have the same dreams. I'm a different person... Sometimes that scares me.



How can someone change so much? How can someone be so terrible and insecure when they were once so carefree and good? I guess that's growing up.
I struggle at finding a balance between accepting who I am and demanding change from myself. At times I am okay with who I am, not happy but accepting, most of the time that comes at my lowest moments. And other times I hate myself. I hate everything I've become and get so furious and frustrated... I guess that's why I do things I'm not proud of.
 But I am thankful that even when I get really down, I am able to make myself feel better by telling myself "I'm worth it. That I'll be able to find something better than what has let me down, that I can do whatever I want. People are replaceable. Dreams are reachable. Hope is never failing. And I, I am a good and worthy person.

What makes other people so much better than me? What makes me unworthy of someones love and friendship? Nothing. I refuse to surround myself with people that don't see that." Most of the time it helps.

Of course, why should I even be down? I have a house over my head. Food in my stomach. Opportunities to go to school. I have family and friends that love me. Even though I forget that sometimes... or get angry.

Ugh, another reason I hate myself! I am so confusing, even to myself. I get angry at people for little things and I get jealous. I wallow in self pity rather than taking charge and changing things. I let people walk over me and I don't do a damn thing about it. I take it. And then when I do get angry and do something about it, I forgive them as soon as I defend myself. Maybe it's because I trust those people and know they didn't do it intentionally or because I know that I could never hate them. Or maybe it's because I can't seem to let the only people who have stuck around, go.
And the thing that makes me the most angry at myself, is how vulnerable I am. I put my heart out on a platter and open up, giving them a chance to take one giant chomp out of my fragile, little heart. I write stupid letters telling them everything hoping it will make things better. It doesn't. It just makes me seem desperate and needy. Hell, I am.
I just want to be loved.
But I also want to be strong, for myself. I want to be able to see past the lies and masks. I want to be able to resist being a clone. I don't want to hurt.. so I build up the walls, higher and higher.

I know though, that when some stupid boy comes along, I'm going to fall right off one of those walls for him... into a big pile of "teenage girl syndrome".

Yay for singleness and boo for wondering when the hell you're going to know the person staring back at you in the mirror.

stupid and not finished..

You're all words.
Lies rolling off of your tongue.
I believed,
Never smart enough to run.

It's not enough to hope and dream,
It's not enough for me to scream.
To hurt and cry,
And wonder why.
It's not enough for a make-believer like you.

You tell me what I wanna hear,
cause that's what makes me feel good. 
Call me stupid, I want the truth.
But I want it candy coated.

I want it with a cup of honesty
but with a sense of reality.
I know you'll go and promise me,
but don't.

It's not enough to hope and dream,
It's not enough for me to scream.
To hurt and cry,
And wonder why.
It's not enough for a make-believer like you.

Pain and Friends

The other day as I was driving home, I started thinking about friends and why I can't seem to keep any. Even though I love spending time with my old friends and I've missed them like crazy, they weren't there for me when I needed them the most.
They weren't there when I was in pain. They didn't call and say 'get well'. They didn't make any efforts to get in contact with me.. not a one of them. And it's only so long before you start wondering about yourself. It's only a matter of time before you start building the walls. And that's what I did.
I built walls. They didn't want to talk to me so I didn't want to talk to them either. They didn't call and neither did I. They never texted so I'd erase my letters and push end. And pretty soon when we did hang out, it was awkward. It wasn't the same.
By that point everyone had moved on. School was the only thing that we had in common and now we didn't even have that. And I didn't want to hear about my old friends and everything I could be doing, SHOULD be doing. And they didn't want to hear about my stupid adventures with my only friend.

And then I realized something.

I was using the one person who genuinely cared about me as revenge, as proof that I had a life and a best friend. A best friend that was there for me. And someone who wasn't in my social group.. someone I could make my old friends jealous with. And although it was a tempting reason to continue my friendship with her, it wasn't why I did. Which made me think that hey, ANY person should be jealous that I have her as my friend. That she chooses to spend her free time with me.
And these days, I'm thinking that I'm probably not going to be good enough anymore. But that's a whole new topic.

So why have I lost every single friend I've ever had? And why have I created a person that dislikes people so much? My car ride made me realize that maybe it wasn't my friends being sucky friends. Maybe it wasn't that I wasn't good enough to remember.
Maybe it was just life catching up with me. But when I hurt so bad physically and no one was there.. it sucked. It was like the pain became my only friend. Of course a friend would never hurt you like that, so I thought. But maybe that's why I've come to dislike people in general. Because my body was hurting me, the one person I'm supposed to be able to trust, maybe I just started figuring that if I could create this pain myself.. that everyone around me could do much worse. And even if the pain that was going on with me, wasn't physically nor intentionally caused by me.. it still felt like that. And no one was there to reassure me that people aren't always going to hurt you.

By that time, I'd already started hiding behind my disability. I liked staying at home and I didn't mind being by myself at first, I still don't sometimes. But then I started ignoring invites to hang out and stopped trying in general.

Now I don't know if there is a way out.

I just need someone to come into my life and give me an adventure worth fighting the pain for. Worth breaking down my walls.

I just need someone.

Random Jibberish Locked In the Closet of My Mind, and I'm Handing You the Key.

• First subject Why People Tell Other People To Text Them In Their Status'

Why do people do this?
I mean honestly, if people wanted to text you they would.
Plus, you have to go through all the hassel of giving people your number through comments and randomly getting stalked by creepers who see your number and decide they want to text you.

Creeper Man: Hey.
You: Who is this?
Creeper Man: _ _ _ _ _, what's up?
You: Wrong number!/Oh, I'm sorry... that didn't apply to you. Mmmm, bummer.

See, isn't that just an akward situation?
Basically what I'm trying to say is that if people have you on their mind and decide to text you, so be it. But you don't have to constantly want peoples attention/text messages by wasting good use of characters.

• Second Subject School.

Three more days till school starts. First year homeschooling on the computer, Second year as a freshman. It sucks. Not gonna lie. But whatever. Maybe I'll enjoy it more than regular school? Doubt it though.
But at least I get to take a psychology class. I'm pretty happy about that.
I just hope I can learn to navigate my way around and it doesn't prove to be more than I can handle.

• Third Subject People

One reason I'm glad I'm not going to school anymore is because people suck. I've always wondered what it'd be like when I died, but I already have a pretty good idea. It'd be just like it is now.
No one calls me. No one messages me. No one invites me places.
I'm just left at home by myself.
Granted when people do invite me somewhere I usually decline. Be it interfering plans or just plain fear of being with other people, it differs at times.
I guess being left alone with my brain has made it hard to go back to actually having some idea of a life.

What would you choose.
A) Having LOTS of friends, no real close friends, but lots of choices. And having places to go all the time and people wanting to hang out with you. And just being open. No shyness. Just a good time.
Actually trying to keep friendships and forgetting all the past and not getting so worked up about things.

or
B) Having one good friend and your family. No fear of being rejected or no fears at all. No faking. But being left alone alot, having everyone else having a life but you.

What would you choose?

Right now I'm B. I have an amazing friend and the best family I could ask for.
Do we all get along all the time? No. Of course not.
Most of the time I get mad over nothing and create situations in my head that make me angry and sometimes other people are mad at each other, but I'm happy. For the most part.

I don't have to be anything I'm not, I just go with the flow and accept things. I have someone to talk to about all my problems and someone to keep me sane.
But I've also pushed away everyone else outside my circle.
I don't try to keep contact with anyone.. mainly because they don't either.
I don't make plans with other people because I always back out last minute. My reasonings for that? The fact that I'm content at home and being with other people scares me.

But when I am with my old friends, it feels normal. I forget my problems and just have a good time.
They're like a chocolate bar after a strict diet.
But getting to that point, getting over my fear of rejection and being forgotten.. and akwardness, after all that I like it.
Even though having everyone else talking about memories I'm not included in and having common things to talk about isn't fun.

I've become an outsider. And I hate it.
but I don't know what to do anymore.

I just need a sign from someone that they want me in their life as much as I want them in mine. I just need someone to knock down the walls and help polish me up.

anyways,
it's late. And I need to go to bed. After all, school is only three days away. ;]
lol, who cares if I don't have to wake up till 10am. For me, that's early. xD

Forever Yours,
Mandy.

Why People Suck and How To Effectively Avoid the Stupid they contain. *Contains vulgar language and violent senarios, none of which I have ever commited or will commit. Hopefully*

People Suck.
We fight and steal other people's significant others. We spend countless amounts of money on lingerie and Guns. And most of all... we're stupid.

Not like "Dumb Blonde" stupid, but like "When I look at your face, I kinda want to stab myself in the eyes with an electric razor.. on high, in the shower, with shampoo running down my forehead." kinda stupid.
It's an ineveitable fact, PEOPLE ARE STUPID.

I mean, you know they're gonna be dumb...
But you also know bringing an electric razor in the shower is dangerous.. especially when you have shampoo running down your forehead.
 Shampoo in your eyes hurt in a normal case... imagine how it would feel after you took an electric razor to it!
Well let me tell you, it won't be no TepurPedic. That's for sure.

Back to the point, you know people are going to be stupid so why waste your time?
Maybe because standing next to a stupid person makes you feel superior and slightly more intelligant?
Maybe because they provide plentiful comedy?
Or maybe because in the end... you're pretty stupid yourself and being with other stupid people makes your stupidity.. alot more normal.

But then there are those people that are not only stupid but do things that just PISS.YOU.OFF.

I know you know that person.
The one that makes you pissed off just by seeing them. The one that you pretend to like because it's common courtesy. The one you invite to your birthday party because it's your parents idea. The one that intentionally tries to make your life a living hell....
that one.

There aren't really words for how they make you feel. Any emotions I usually feel while being annoyed by my "chosen person" are:
A) I REALLY want to throw myself into a pen of severely hungered lions, bears, hyenas and/or pirhanas, IF they have an extra tank available.
B) I wonder how long they'd give me since I'm a minor.... No. No, I mustn't.... Orange is sooo not my color.
And
C) Well, I think Pray for You  by Jaron and the Long Road to Love preeeeeetty much says it all. I don't go to church every Sunday but with you, I sure as hell will start.
Amen.

I'm sure you feel the same, you're just to scared to admit that the reason they fell down the bleachers was because you loosened the screw and put dish soap on the seat.
Yes, I know about that. And it's okay. They just got a few bumps and scratches... a few broken bones. Nothing serious.

But you still suffer the pain they inflict on you because nothing they could do, will make you break a nail punching the bitch.
just kidding. They're fake nails.
Or maybe if your one of those sensitive people, you probably can't tell by this but I am most days, and refuse to hit them or retaliate because you never know what is goin on in their home.
Money can't buy happiness, well.. neither can poor people, but if they were happy with their lives they wouldn't be making yours suck.

Now, 5 WAYS TO AVOID BECOMING A STUPID PERSON.

1. Be yourself. Although you might get bad grades and do alot of stupid things, being yourself isn't one of them.
2. Invest in a basement with lots of protective covering. Lock the doors and board the windows. They're stupid... they won't be able to think of much else to do. If all else fails, make the room circular and tell them there is lobster in the corner, salads for the lobster allergy victims and vegitarians.
3. Become a hermit. Buy a shell and some super glue.
4. Move to Antartica.. I heard the penguins are warm and are looking for new "roomies"
5. Don't do drugs.. it helps lessen your chance of losing what brain cells you do have.

So that is only some, if I write any more I might get carpul tunnel, of the reasons people are stupid and how to avoid being one yourself.


ps.
I'm not always this violent. Or sarcastic. Or rude. Or sick in the head.
But a good dose of sick humor is always nessasary.


Forever Yours,
Mandy.