And I'll become what you became to me..

-sigh.-
Today is one of those days. |x
I'm going through withdrawals... of a certain person. I miss them. A lot.

I have drivers ed today. I'm not really looking forward to it even though I passed my Permit Test (:
I dyed my hair too. Well, I did that a few days ago but I need to redye it. I only had one box and so it didn't get all through my hair. :( But I really like the color.

And there is a contest on Mix 96.1 to go to the Grammys. I've been trying to win it for a long time.. and I keep failing. It's bruising my ego big time. Oh well I guess. It's not like I'd have anything to wear. /:
Ha, I doubt I'll even have anything to wear for prom. Of course Misty already has her dress.. but it's whatever I guess. I probably won't even be able to go depending on where it is.

Blah. It's just a really blah day.
I'm gonna go curl my hair though and do my makeup so adios.

How many times can I break before I shatter.

It's sad how many teenagers a day kill themselves. How many people intentionally hurt others to feel good about themselves. How many people go on with their day knowing someone needs their help. It's sad.

I used to be one of those people that did bad things because I thought my life sucked. Of course, it was for attention. Attention I never received. But one day I just thought to myself.. why is my life so sucky that I need to do bad things? Why do I need attention when there are so many people out there with real problems, and real issues? I couldn't come up with an answer.
I've spent many days thinking about what people are going through when they decide to kill themselves. All the pain and anger they're feeling... I get it. There are some really fucking mean people out there. Some heartless, blood-thirsty, assholes that are capable of doing unheard of things. I get it, I do.
But the thing that gets me through my worst days, is remembering that no matter how bad things are right now, you have the ability to change them. YOU can make your life better.
"What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger."
I believe that quote with all my heart. Because there have been days when I wanted nothing more than to just give up. But I didn't. I decided to make myself stronger. To make something of myself and shove it in everyone's faces. I want to be the one that people look back at and say "Wow. She's so strong."
And one day, even if other people don't see how strong I am, I know I'm strong. Hell, anyone who makes it through life deserves a hell of a lot of credit. But I'll be able to pat myself on the back. And to me, that's a nice thought.

When I get older I want to be so many things.

• Photographer
• Producer
• Cosmetologist
• Psychiatrist
• Neonatal Nurse Practitioner. NNP. (They work with the newborn babies)
• TV show host
• Broadcaster/Radio DJ
• I want to work at EA creating The Sims Games xD
• Teacher
• Zoologist

exc exc.

-I'm never going to make enough money being a photographer but it's one of those jobs that you can do on the side.
-I'm not really 100% in love with the idea of being a producer.. I'd like to do something behind the scenes though.
-I LOVE cosmetology but my parents think I should go to college for something "worth while" because they don't make a lot of money. It's something I love but whatever I guess.
-I don't want to go to school for a million years to be a Psychiatrist but it's something I like doing and am good at so why not get paid for it? lol
-And if school for a Psychiatrist is long, NNP's have to go longer. And it'd be a scary job if one of the babies were sick so I don't know if I'd have enough backbone to do it.
-Broadcasters don't make a lot of money either but It's something I'd lovelovelove to do.
-The whole EA thing will probably never happen but I do have some good ideas. xD
-Teachers don't get paid a lot either but it's something I might be good at?
-And I haven't really done much intensive research but I assume that you don't get paid very much to scoop giraffe poo. /:

And last but not least... TV show host<3
That is the one dream that will probably never happen, but would mean the world to me. I want to have my own show. A mix of Dr.Phil's real life family issues, kind of like Tyra Banks too, but more like Ellen DeGeneres. Because she has a lot of Celebrity guests and does a lot of fun things, but also goes out and finds the real life people that make a difference in the world.
I'd have a cooking segment, an art segment, celebrity guests, real life guests... I'd want it all. I'd help the people that need help, I'd help the fans, I'd talk about real issues.
Oh god, I want it all so bad.
I mean, it doesn't sound that great, but that's where my team would help out. AHHHH! I feel like a little kid whenever I think about it. My insides get all happy and my heart does a happy dance. My mind starts zooming all theses awesome ideas.
iwantitiwantitiwant!
But how the hell do you go about getting your own tv show? Like, really? If anyone knows Oprah's number, hit me up. Cause even though I don't like Oprah (mainly because she has everything I want) I will definitely take her advice.

But back to the main point of the whole job things, is that being  a tv host could actually get me closer to making a difference in the world. I could help people that feel like I did, like there is nothing in the world that can help them..
I could do it.. I know I could.
I just have to figure out a way to do it. |:
Someday<3

If this is what we've got, then what we've got is gold.

Tonight is one of those nights that can't seem to get better even if it tried. (:

I love nights like these.<3

You know, as much I complain about not having friends and failing at life.. I am so thankful for the friends that I have. Because I may not have a lot of them, but the ones I do have are forever. 

They're never going to really leave me. They are never going to intentionally hurt me. They're the best friends anyone could ask for. And I'm thankful for that. 

I can be exactly who I am with them and not have to worry about being judged. They'll just laugh along beside me. And even though we fight sometimes, I think it only makes us stronger. 

My sister is like, my best friend. She's the total opposite of me and sometimes that get's the better of me, but she really is one of the coolest people I know. She's funny and weird, nerdy and awkward. She's a lot of things. But one thing she is not, is boring.

And Krista is like my lifeline. When we fight, she really is the only person I want to talk to. Which is quite annoying since obviously we're fighting but it makes me realize each time how much she means to me. One day I'll do something really stupid and she'll leave.. and I don't know what I'll do. She's not the type of person to just give up on someone right away, but everyone has their limits. 

Misty on the other hand, will never be able to get rid of me. lol. When we fight, we've made up by the end of the night. 

I love them like lord knows what. 

I love Mindy. I love Blake. I love my parents. I love the people that make me smile and make me feel like life isn't really all that bad. Because without them, I really would be one lonely kid. 

I miss your voice.

I do. I really, really, really do. I miss being able to talk to you without wondering if you're not listening. Or if we're actually alone.
I miss laughing and playing and knowing you won't have to leave soon. I miss casual conversation with no under laying tension. No careful wording or forced small talk. No awkwardness or locked away words.
You have no idea how much I miss it.
I just want to be able to go some where, just you and I, and talk. To just have a chance to be real. 
I want that so badly. 

Even the best fall down sometimes.. even the wrong words seem to rhyme

It'd be nice to be needed, just once.
To be loved and desired. To feel important and perfect. To have such intense happiness and bliss that smiling does nothing to describe your feelings.
I think I'd like that.


I think tonight is just one of those nights where it seems like the only good thing to do is wallow in self-pity. Especially seeing everyone be in relationships and wall posts saying how beautiful other people are and all these guys in like with these girls.
Who am I kidding.. one girl. A girl that is incredibly beautiful and funny. Definitely worth all the affection and love.
it's still hard to stand beside someone when you're not nearly as beautiful.
Oh well.

Killing me softly, with your words.

I'm the type of person that imagines a whole new world in her head. I think of alternative conversations and future possibilities, all the time. I go to sleep thinking of all the things I could say to someone that I've been wanting to say, and bracing myself for what could happen.. planning my words carefully. 

And there is one person I would love to just pour out my entire being too, and I can't. 

I can never figure out what to say, how to put things.. I'm always afraid if I do, things will never be the same.

I'm always the nice one. The polite, quiet, sweet person. I sugar coat the truth telling people what they want to hear with only a mild dose of honesty... because that's the polite thing to do. To not go around hurting peoples' feelings and making everyone angry at you. Then, after so long of being nice and trying to make things better, you start to go crazy. 

Don't get me wrong, I like being nice. I can find a million ways to make someone smile and it's something I'm good at. I try to be a good person, always keeping optimistic and always keeping hope that people can change, but that's where I start to go bonkers. 

Always being nice. 

And to make things worse, I remember everything. All the little comments people have made about me, all the times I've been hurt or forgotten, the fights, the tears, the forgiving. I remember it all. All of those lay around inside my head waiting to be brought up so I can finally get them out of my system. 

The way I see it, my brain is like a junkyard. There's a bunch of crap laying around everywhere. Emotions stacked in piles. Memories floating freely. Words crammed into locked boxes. Dust bunnies rolling across the floor. Everything a perfect mess. 

I know I sound like a complete crazy person, but I'm not going to go around killing people or planning world domination. I'm not smart enough and I don't have the drive to try.. nor the need to. I just need to figure out a way to express all my feelings to some people without making them hate me.. or at least a way to tell them all my feelings and accept the outcome. 

So, since I don't plan to tell this certain person anything, yet, I'll just write down all my feelings here. Because I'm better at typing things out than saying it to someones face. And plus, no one reads these things anyways.

To the person I need to say these things too:

I think you're being stupid. You're weak. You're a hypocrite. You're oblivious and ignorant. You're a good liar. You tell people what they want to hear all the time. You've changed a lot. You're selfish. You're settling for second best.. correction, for the worst. You jumped into a tank of starving sharks and you can't even see that. You're dumb and hurtful. You're predictable and pathetic. You're needy and easy. It's like you don't even care any more that you're hurting everyone that loves you. 

But I love you. I MISS YOU. You're strong and beautiful. Overly aggressive but loving. Funny, charming, smart. Never dependable but always there to protect you. Wise and comforting. You had lot's going for you. People love you and care for you. They want the best for you. You were always my idol. I just want to be the part of your life, that you look back on and smile about. I love you.. so, so, much. 

And that is all I have to say because in the end, it's not about the words. It's not about the hate or the sugar coated truth... it's knowing that no matter what, I will always love you. Always. <3

Lasting Impressions

I've been to three, four including Insight, schools. Though I try to be a pleasant and humorous person, apparently I am really easy to forget.
How the hell am I supposed to make a lasting impression on someone when I'm already being the best me I can be? I don't want to go through life being forgotten. I mean, I don't want shrines of my face floating around every where but I would like it if a few people remembered who I am and occasionally said they missed me. Especially people from other schools. /:
I don't want to go around being someone I'm not.. because that's just to damn hard but I would like to figure out the secret to being totally awesome and memorable.

Otherwise, I'm destined to a life of a wallflower.

Confidence

Most days I stand with one foot on the confident side and one foot on the self-conscious side. I'd like to be able to take that last step over into the side of happiness.. and to never look back. 

Some days, I think I'm there. But it's always days where I'm by myself and I've been thinking about other peoples' traits. That's always when I realize I'm not really that bad.  

But it's also days where I'm by myself, that I feel so incomplete and unwanted that I feel the worst. 

It's funny how that works..

Chameleons

I am a chameleon. I blend into the feelings of the people surrounding me. I am easily persuaded, though I never lose sight of what I really feel for myself. I often get confused by all the emotions inside of me.. fear, happiness, distrust, weariness but I always know what I stand for.
I want nothing more than to be a strong person but I know I am not. I am weak. I lack courage and willpower. I run from things when they get bad and I can hardly stand to be alone knowing I have to fend for myself. I'm gullible. I fall easily into people's traps, never once doubting their intentions.
I would rather love than fight, forgive than hold a grudge, cry than hold it in. But does that really make me weak? Does being in tune with my emotions and open with others make me weak? I'm learning that I think not.
Being strong isn't about being able to pick things up. It's about being able to forgive. To not lose sight of what you want. It's never putting yourself in front of others' needs, but knowing the limitations of that statement. It's trusting and allowing people to help you when you need it. It's courage and willpower, wiseness, hope, honesty, trust, truth, gentleness, awareness.. it's something we each possess.
Even if we don't have everything on that list, we have some. There are so many things that can make a person strong, just in different ways.
I may be afraid of the dark and over-trust/under-trust, but I am strong.
And so are you.