A huge slap in my face..

Why does it always feel like people want me to be unhappy with myself, just to feel better about themselves? I just don't get why everyone always feels the need to compare their lives with mine.. even though we live completely different lives.
No, I don't have a boyfriend. No, I haven't officially had one. And NO. I haven't kissed anyone or went further than that.
Why should that make me unhappy?
It used to be that you were always the one trying to make me feel better about myself, but now it seems like your the one always tearing me down.
I'm fine with my life. Even if I do secretely hope that my prince charming will walk into my direction and decide to complete my life, just for a little while. But if he doesn't, I'm fine.
I don't need someone to kiss me and hug me. I'm have more confidence in myself than that.. I know I'll still live and breathe the same exact way without a boyfriend than with.. well, maybe not all the time but still.
In serious terms, I will.


So why does it bother me so much that you think I should care?
Why do you want so badly for me to not feel the way I do?
Why do you want me to hate myself for not doing what you used to hate?

I don't know. And I don't care.
This is going to change a lot between us, but I refuse to sink to your level. I refuse to change because thats what is expected of me.
I refuse.

Relationships.

Someone told me that I don't know what it's like to be broken up with. They're right. I don't.
I've never been in a real relationship.. so I don't know.
But they don't know what it's like to sit at home while all the people you care about are out on a date, having a blast, while you sit in your bed and write stupid blogs. They don't know what it's like to feel unwanted every single day of their life with no hope or possibility of that changing. They don't know what it's like to be ugly and fat, akward, 'just a friend'... anything. But I do.
I'm homeschooled. They only place I ever go is wal-mart and I already know everyone there. I'm not pretty so it's not like I can lure boys to me with my looks. And people don't ever take the time to really get to know me, and when they do take the time.. I'm just a friend.
No one ever asks me out and the ones that do aren't any one that I could see myself with, honestly. I'm not going to go out with some I have no intentions of being with for a long time. I don't want a stupid, four week relationship. I want something that will last for a long time, with someone I have fun with and someone that understands me.
So even if not many people ask me out, I wouldn't say yes anyways. And I don't think they get that...
I'm a kid. I don't need someone to make me feel good about myself, I already have enough confidence for that. I don't need someone to make me feel secure about myself, either.

And I definitely don't need someone tempting me to have sex and get pregnant... after all, the only safe sex, is no sex. (:

Change.

The thing I hate about second chances, is that you can forgive someone a million times and the person will never change. But when you finally have had enough, that's when the person goes and changes.You just never know when someone is going to change, for the better or worse, you just never know.

I hate that.

I feel like my entire world has been taken from the atmosphere and thrown at me. I think my consciousness knew all along though, since I've been dreaming non-stop about being shot. Yet, stupidly enough, I'm still expecting to look out my window and see you... I still want you to call. But I've got nothing to say to a stranger.

Needing to be needed.

Dear love..(list of tattoos I want)

• plumbob- behind ear.
• owl on a "haunted" tree- my past has given me wisdom and knowledge.
• June(ti amo, giugno),
• grandma dwyer [roses (for her beauty) and a sailboat] 
• Faith, Trust, and Pixie Dust.
• Link- he's a kid forced into the adult world. Time is precious.
• Dragonfly- represents self discovery.
• Castle (Black represents isolation and secrets/ White represents pureness, achievement, fulfillment)
• Squid- Camouflage themselves/ Octopus- regrow limbs.
• 
  

Knowing yourself.

I wish I could peel away the layers of who I am and get to the core of me. Take away the clothes, the shape, the walls, and just see what I am. I don't need to know 'who' I am, just what I am.



I'd like to know what makes me, me. Why I act so stupid sometimes and why I can't be the perfect person I had envisioned when I was younger.
Well, I know the answer to that last statement... I'm not who I was back then. I don't want the same things in life and I don't have the same dreams. I'm a different person... Sometimes that scares me.



How can someone change so much? How can someone be so terrible and insecure when they were once so carefree and good? I guess that's growing up.
I struggle at finding a balance between accepting who I am and demanding change from myself. At times I am okay with who I am, not happy but accepting, most of the time that comes at my lowest moments. And other times I hate myself. I hate everything I've become and get so furious and frustrated... I guess that's why I do things I'm not proud of.
 But I am thankful that even when I get really down, I am able to make myself feel better by telling myself "I'm worth it. That I'll be able to find something better than what has let me down, that I can do whatever I want. People are replaceable. Dreams are reachable. Hope is never failing. And I, I am a good and worthy person.

What makes other people so much better than me? What makes me unworthy of someones love and friendship? Nothing. I refuse to surround myself with people that don't see that." Most of the time it helps.

Of course, why should I even be down? I have a house over my head. Food in my stomach. Opportunities to go to school. I have family and friends that love me. Even though I forget that sometimes... or get angry.

Ugh, another reason I hate myself! I am so confusing, even to myself. I get angry at people for little things and I get jealous. I wallow in self pity rather than taking charge and changing things. I let people walk over me and I don't do a damn thing about it. I take it. And then when I do get angry and do something about it, I forgive them as soon as I defend myself. Maybe it's because I trust those people and know they didn't do it intentionally or because I know that I could never hate them. Or maybe it's because I can't seem to let the only people who have stuck around, go.
And the thing that makes me the most angry at myself, is how vulnerable I am. I put my heart out on a platter and open up, giving them a chance to take one giant chomp out of my fragile, little heart. I write stupid letters telling them everything hoping it will make things better. It doesn't. It just makes me seem desperate and needy. Hell, I am.
I just want to be loved.
But I also want to be strong, for myself. I want to be able to see past the lies and masks. I want to be able to resist being a clone. I don't want to hurt.. so I build up the walls, higher and higher.

I know though, that when some stupid boy comes along, I'm going to fall right off one of those walls for him... into a big pile of "teenage girl syndrome".

Yay for singleness and boo for wondering when the hell you're going to know the person staring back at you in the mirror.