When is it time to say goodbye?

I watched a clip on the news once about when the right time is to end a friendship. I thought long and hard about it, wondering if I needed to rethink some of my friendships and I've decided I do.

Sometimes people get too comfortable with each other. They get to the point where they know what you're going to say and you them, you stop trying to impress them because they already know you so well.. the fire that used to burn so hot has now turned to dying coals.

It's not that you stop loving them. God, no.. you don't stop loving them. But it's not worth trying to keep something alive when it just drains you so completely.

I've wasted so much time being jealous because everyone gets to hang out with you and I don't. And when we do see each other, we just sit.. wondering when the other is going to dismiss them. We've started to run out of things to do and work just isn't enough time.

I've started to wonder if we've only been friends this long because you can't have your animals at your house. Has it only been about that? Have I just been getting used this whole time?

No, I don't believe that. Even though you won't say it, I know you love me. And I love you.

That's why it makes it so much harder. After all, if you love someone you should try to work things out.

But if you really loved them, and it wasn't working out, you should let them go.

I just don't know what the right answers are anymore.

Love is hard, I know that. But love shouldn't cause jealousy, emptiness, resentment... we only see each other enough to say we've actually seen each other. We only talk about the obvious things. When you're not here, all I can think about is the problems I have with you.. but I can never talk to you about them because I never see you.

Friends are supposed to be there for each other in good times and bad. Now it's a bad time for you and I know I need to be there for you, so I am. But you just shut me out. The other problem is, lately, you haven't been there for me when I've needed you. You only ask me what's going on out of pure curiosity.. and you tell your mother all about it. The problem with that is she tells everyone else! I trust you beyond belief but the whole world doesnt need to know about my problems.

I guess this calls for a list.

PROS:

Just as I'm supposed to be learning to love, you let me down again..

How can you love someone who does nothing but hurt you? How can you hurt someone that does nothing but love you? How is it fair that everyone I know get's to be with you and all I'm left with is the hope of a new picture.. that someone else got to be a part in..?

Love has no boundries and love has no rules. You take the pain because not loving them is impossible and trying will only make it hurt worse. Love has no on and off button. It just has to be.
"You hate someone whom you really wish to love, but whom you cannot love. Perhaps he himself prevents you. That is a disguised form of love.”
And that is why someone can hurt the people they love. They're afraid of being loved, they think they're undeserving of the love.. I don't really know. You just do. Because being there for them is all you can do.

I've never been one to hide my feelings away. I wear my heart on my sleeve so I really have no choice. You can't possibly think that I'm okay. You can't really think that all of this doesn't kill me inside.
I'm breaking apart and I've done everything I possibly can to tell you that.
I hate feeling like nothing I do will make you come back. I hate feeling like everyone in the world thinks badly enough about me to hide you away. I hate that everyone gets to see you but me.
I hate all of this.. but you already know that.

About me thingy.

--Maybe I'm a dreamer.
Maybe I''m misunderstood.
Maybe you're not seeing the
side of me you should.
I love you..
& all that jazz.
<3
The name is Mandy. Mandy Mae Dwyer to be exact. I'm 16 and ordinarily unique.
I find it hard to take people seriously these days. I'm quite shy and rather bland, but my love is one of a kind. If you make your way into my heart, you'll always have a place no matter how near or far you may be.
Anyone who really knows me, knows I'm a pessimistic person when it comes to life in general.The cup is always half empty and I'll always be a step behind. But, anyone who really knows me knows that I will be the first one there when you need a shoulder to cry on and a few kind words. And though I am a pessimist, I have no troubles finding the optimist in myself.
At times I'm mature beyond my age.. I'm irritatingly proper and always cautious. I don't like breaking the law and I would much rather read than do drugs. I hate confrontation but I'm not afraid to stand up for myself. And most of the time, that leaves me over-defensive or walked on.
But at other times, I'm the typical teenager. I mouth back to my parents, even though I know they don't deserve it. I listen to music with bad lyrics, I never clean my room, and I fail at school. I spend most of my time on the computer and the other part of my time hanging out with my family and friends. I like photography, reading, and makeup<3 I love hedgehogs and pretty much all animals.
I'm pretty low maintenance.. like a cat or a pet rock or something. lol. I don't get bored easily. Sitting in silence with my brain is enough to entertain me. I'm scared of heights and being in absolute nothingness. I don't like clowns or having my tv volume on an odd number. I'm always afraid of an alien standing outside my shower, a clown standing behind my door, a vampire outside my house and a witch watching me sleep.. yes, I'm weird like that. And yes, I really am afraid of all those things.
I make a lot of corny jokes and though most of the time I regret it.. and most of the time I don't do it intentionally.. I don't mind putting myself out there looking stupid if it'll make someone laugh. I'm VERY gullible so I'm easily to persuaded to let's say, give myself a mullet or saw off my bangs. ;)
I'm a weird person.
And because of that, I'm a very open person too. I will judge you. I'm human, and no matter how much we want to deny it, we ALL judge. But I promise that I will always give you a shot because I know what it feels like to have a lot to give but not a lot of places to go with it. (: 
-Books
-SunFlowers
-DrThunder
-Ithaca
-Family
-JohnWayne
-IndieBands
-Driving
-Weston
-September
-Chapstick
-Smoothies
-Twiggy
-Horoscopes
-HarryPotter
-Scrabble
-Babies
-Tater
-PetStores
-TheSims
-Photography
-EditedPhotos
-1920'sFashion
-SmileyFaces
-Makeup
-HedgeHogs
-HairDye
-Blogging
-CoverSongs
-Concerts
-Quotes
-Chillin
-InsideJokes
-BigBlankets
-Intellectual,IntimateConverstation
"Life's all but a game, and we control the winner. We are the narrator, the Hero, the Heroine, the victim, the helpless, savior or the saved. You choose the path you walk. Let no person influence you to do otherwise. This is your life, none others. Argue with me, curse me, spite me, love me, fight me. The difference is none to me. I am my own, not yours or theirs. I am but only one person. I'm not the person to change your life, you're not the one to alter mine."

It's hard to understand the meaning of love when there are so many versions..

I think I'm stuck on pause in my life. I can't forget the past, I'm procrastinating in the present, and I'm giddy for the future.
My past is filled with so many good memories that I don't want to let go of it. I don't want to stop reliving all the happiness I had. Everything was good back then. Everything was safe. I was a kid.. I didn't have to worry about where I wanted to go to school, if I had a boyfriend, or what I want in my life. I always had someone to fall back on and I never had too many responsibilites.
My present is so routine that anything out of the norm makes me go crazy. It's like if I just stay where I am forever, I'll never have to move out and try to live my life alone. I can just keep being lazy, always have a place to stay, not have to pay any bills.. just be a kid.
But I'm also ready for the future. I'm ready for life to get good again. I want to show everyone that I'm not just a lazy fat kid. I want to be a beautiful, strong, stable person that people can rely on.
It's kind of sad that the one thing I hope for in the future anymore, is to make things better with my sister. If things could be fixed with her, my life might be able to go back on play. I guess I'm just scared that things won't work out and I'll always feel like this. And no matter how hard I try.. I can't stop thinking about it. I can't just erase it out of my life.

I've honestly become a hermit. If I could stay stay at home and play sims every single day with no worries, I'd be there in a heartbeat. But I can't. And at times, I don't think I'd want that. I want to have a life.
I think I might just want to move again...
I hated moving before. When I went to Ithaca, it was the best time of my entire life. It was good. I loveloveloveloved my home. 150 acres of freedom. Animals of every shape, size, color.. everywhere. Tame, wild, big, little. It will forever be my home<3 The people were nice and I had friends. Good friends. I had my sports, I was good in the classroom, I had everything. And moving was horrible for me.
But weston was good for a while too. I miss some of the people there even though I wanted nothing more than to get away back then. I regret not living to my fullest there. I matured faster than everyone and I went through a stage that made me an outcast. So by the time we had to move, I wanted too.
Tomah was scary but middle school was amazing. High school.. not so much. And my house is decent. Nothing to complain of really.
But I'm ready to move again. I want a new start.. I want to be everything I know I am inside. Popular, smart.. funny. (And by popular, I mean well-liked. Popular for a good reason and not just for being a plastic whore.) For that to happen though, I'd have to get skinny, pretty, witty, interesting, and rich. But maybe I don't have to do those things. Maybe I can just magically move somewhere where the people are good and accepting. But that'll never happen because people just aren't like that.
I don't want people to know what I was like before puberty. I don't want people to know about my past.. just a fresh start. New house. New friends (with the exception of Krista because there is no way in hell I'm letting her go just yet) New adventures.
I could've done that at Tomah but it's hard standing out when there are so many people. But smalls schools are also kind bad because there are only a few people and if you don't fit in, you're fucked. But I'd take the risk.
I just need something to put my life on play again..

3:47am thoughts.

Why do we have to be judged all the time? Why can't I swear, and be messy, and say exactly what I feel without wondering who is going to object and who is going to be offended? Why do I have to fit everyone's standard when I expect the littlest out of them? I'm never going to be perfect, that's plain to see.
I like swearing, believe it or not. I find humor in calling people wankers and saying fuck. I like telling people how I feel and expressing my opinions on things, good or bad. I LIKE having a messy room!
The thing I DON'T like is having to be someone I'm not, just to please others.
I like being a little redneck and being a little hick. I like having a close family and being able to do messed up shit with them. I like knowing that the people I'm with are real and that what we have is real. I like knowing that around them, I don't have to be anything other than myself.
And I think it's a bunch of bull having to feel that way about your own family but hey, it's just a little blood that we share. Not anything important...
It's sad that I actually care in the first place but I think having my family be the black sheep of the.. big family, makes you realize these things. Our family has never fit in and I don't think we ever will.. and it makes me a little sad feeling shunned by people I'm supposed to feel comfortable with but I'm not going to go out of my way to impress these people.

And another thing, PEOPLE NEED TO SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT BEING SINGLE! My God! Guys aren't all douche bags and girls aren't all damsels in distress. Some guys are good and some girls are catty bitches. It just depends on the person. Sometimes I just wish everyone was in a relationship just so people shut up about being single.. but then I'd have to read sappy love quotes all day and that wouldn't be any better so it's a lose/lose situation. Just freakin stop looking and when the time is right, the right person will come. Stop wasting away your life in search of your prince charming when the only people you come in contact with are slimy frogs! Sooner or later you'll stray away from the pond and find the castle.. it just takes time.
But please... do us a favor and shut up about how lonely you are. We're all lonely and we all just want a little love.
You aren't anything special because your boyfriend was an ass and you can't find anyone else. You're kids. Just grab your blankie and a sippie cup, and chill. cause it's the best your gonna get at this age. /:

Someone is always going to break your heart..

and it doesn't have to come in the form of a boy. That's what sucks.. if you know what to look out for, you can save yourself. But you can't hide from everyone. If you do, you break your own heart.
At least when someone else does it for you, you have some memories for the road...

Because I only go on here to complain...fuck run-on sentences.. I do run-on paragraphs.

blah. There isn't really anything to talk about yet I'm here ready to spill out my brains.  I miss Mindy and I miss Kuryn.
And I've been having incredibly weird, but comforting dreams. They have a lot of people I know in them but I don't understand why they're there. I don't know how to explain it.
I'm not sure if it's the people/things that happen in them that makes the dreams so foreign to me or if it's how I feel when I wake up. Today my dreams had a boy in it and we were nursing back these skunk/sugar glider/small little animal thing and then we found the mom and another baby. So we had to nurse them and some old man that lived by my aunt had died and that's where we found them.. And before that we were running down this hill and he was chasing me and I felt so good. I feel like at any moment he could walk in the door and complete my life.. and it's stupid because he's not even real. I wish he were, oh how I wish he were.
Curse my brain for that stupid dream because now I'm acting like one of those stupid girls.
But am I really any different from those girls? I've been exactly like that for as long as I can remember and then one day I just decided I'd never act like that. So have I really changed? Do I really believe all the things I say? No.
Why? Because it feels good to live in a dream. If feels so damn good.
And even if I wanted to go out and date, I couldn't. Not even because people aren't interested in me but because I have nowhere to go. I don't go to school, I barely ever go anywhere besides wal*mart. I'm trapped inside a world with myself and no one else.
I'm not sure what I'm going to do when I go back to school.. I won't know how to act anymore. Hell, I won't be able to take the fake bitches that walk to hallways.
I can't stand people anymore. I just can't.
But if I automatically shun everyone in the place, how am I going to find someone worth my time?
How am I going to find my Prince Charming?

Ugh. For not having anything to talk about I sure can complain a lot. /:
I've had a lot on my chest lately. Which is surprising since nothing has even happend.
Maybe that's why.

I really miss Mindy. I don't even know why. I usually don't say her name on these stupid things because no one reads them and I've said some mean things that no human should say... but I guess I figure if I don't say names, no one will know who I'm talking about. Which is stupid. People see right through me.
ha, yeah right. People look but people don't really see. And when they do see.. it's just what they want. I'm a lot more than I look. and even the people that really know me don't really know me all that much.
I'm just one big glob of crazy jumbled into a few skin cells.
But I just can't get over the fact that I've practically lost one of the most important people in my life. Hell, I lost two.
Family is supposed to last forever, through thick and thin. It's more than just blood and a name. It's love and trust and understanding... it's things two non-related people can't compete with. It's something you can't break even if you want too. But somehow you've taken that sentence to a whole new perspective for me.
I don't know what the hell I'm supposed to do. I can't forget someone I've spent my entire life looking up too and I can't just erase the memories from my mind. I just wish things would work out and I can have my family back.
I'm tired of praying for a phone call or a sign things will get better and I'm god damn tired of tell myself not to care. It's fucking bullshit.
It's kind of like my childhood has been ruined because of something beyond me. I've grown up so much since it's all happened and I feel like I haven't even got a chance to be a kid.
I know I have though. I guess I'm just scared of growing up. I'm scared of loosing more people, I'm scared of being alone forever, I'm scared of trying to face the world by myself.
It's so easy to walk your way into someones life but it's hell trying to walk away. And it hurts even more when it happens to you. 
I don't know why I'm the spokesperson for being abandoned but I am. I'm a relatively good person. I'm passive, caring, trusting.. I'm on the higher side of the "good person" scale. So why do I always get walked over? Because I AM passive and caring and trusting.
aw hell. who knew life could be so confusing.

I'd give anything to have my family back.. they're all I have.
My parents, Misty, Krista.. they are my everything. I wish I could say I had more but I don't really. I mean, I have other friends but no one as close to my family as Krista.
I know people get jealous because of that.. but Krista has earned her place here. And even if my own sister doesn't want to be a part of my life, Krista does. And I'm thankful beyond words for that because she has made things so much easier. Her and Misty both. <3

I just can't figure out why she won't come back... I'd come back. Of course I'd never have to come back, because I wouldn't leave in the first place. Family means more to me than life itself. Without my family, I'd be nothing. So how come I'm the only one who feels that way?
Why am I the only one that says that and means it 100 percent?

I don't know.
I need to stop though, it's getting to be to much for me. I can't wait to be done with high school so I can be free.
I need something to take things off my mind.
A book.
A book is just what I need.
Goodnight. Hopefully next time I have something positive to say instead of always complaining. I type faster than I write though so this is as good as it gets for me. And just for the record, I'm not going to go kill myself or anything. lol. I'm perfectly sane.. just confused.
adios.

Love is like heaven but hurts like hell..

..Love is very much like that.
You can't choose the people you love. You can't choose when to stop loving them or if they love you back. Love takes control of you and blinds you, but does it blind you from the truth or does it blind you to the lies? Only your heart knows that.
Love is forgiving someone that has hurt you to many times. It's never giving up hope for them. It's hard.
And as hard as it may be sometimes, it makes you stronger. And if the love isn't enough to make up for the pain, the person you are after it.. is.
I would never take back any love I've ever given. I would never take back any of the love I've been given. I wouldn't take back the hurt feelings, the nights of tears, the dreams.. the lies. Any of it.
I would only hope that the love I've given them was enough to heal a hurt heart or make a good memory for later.

Love really is like heaven
but it really does hurt like hell.

"Just because somebody doesn't love you the way you want them to,
doesn't mean they don't love you with everything they got.."

Favorite word:

Whimsical. (:

Males I think are Bangin'.

   Henry Cavill- *jizz* <3
Name Unknown- I don't know who this guy is.. but he was my background for quite some time. I found him on a fashion website.. he's a hottie(:
Destery Moore- I love him. End of story.. <3
Dierks Bentely- The boy has got it goin on.. and his voice? -sigh- ;)
Josh Turner- So the fact that he is an insanely gorgeous man is just a plus for me, cause his voice is straight from jebus himself. He gives me shivers. ^-^
Robert Pattinson- I love that movie.. which is why I picked this picture. He can totally pull off the geeky look and still make me happy inside. And I love his voice, singing or just speaking. (:

 Jonathan Rhys Meyer- Okay, so there is definitely something in the water on the set of The Tudors because between Henry Cavill and Jonathan... wow. BANGIN'! <3
ps. I love when he speaks.. his accent is sexy. ;)

 Emile Hirsh- Yay for cuteness!
Aaron Johnson- asdkfjasdklfja, <3 He is way to good for his old lady wife. /:< ps. LOVE this movie!
Ryan Gosling- I don't like The Notebook, but he's the only reason I can make it through it without falling asleep. (:
Chuck Bass- Mmm. (: Ed Westwick- blah.
David Lindsay- He looks really small and young in this, but he's kinda cute when he gets older(:
James McAvoy- He's a cutie and his accent... mmm. Scottland has done me proud with this one. ;D
All four of these lads are delicious in their own way.
Joe Dempsie<3, Mike Bailey, Mitch Hewer, and my personal favorite.. Nicholas Hoult. <3 Skins UK, ftw!<3
Eddie Redmayne- He has the caaaa-uuuutest freckles ever.<3

You make my sick to my stomach.

I've literally NEVER felt this sick to my stomach in my life. And for once, it's not because of my body. I'm humiliated, hurt, and for christ sake.. I'm confused! As if things in my life weren't already crazy enough, today has to happen.
I'm 16. I can't fucking handle this kind of shit! I can't take all this drama.. I'm supposed to be worried about little things like how to get the guy I like to like me back. Figureing out how to drive and stay out past curfew. Not dealing with things most adults don't even deal with.
I don't know how to do this. I know I have to be strong. I know I have to be wise.. but I'm 16. I can't be all that, all the time.
The only thing I've learned today is to never, EVER give someone all of you. Family or not. People need to earn their trust... you can't just give them the benefit of the doubt. You can't forgive someone more than once. You can't love anyone... it just backfires in your face.

God.. I don't even know what I'm saying right now. I just don't know what to feel.. I don't know how to feel really. Today, I was scared. I was shaking and nervous... but I was strong.
But now.. now I'm weak. I'm just. like. you.
WEAK.
I will never, ever put myself in a position where I hurt someone so badly like that. Especially more than one person.. especially someone you "love!" And never for a guy.
I will never steal someone from their family. I will never take away the right to see family. I will never control someone to the point that they aren't themselves.
I will never use someone as a pawn. NEVER. I will never lie so outright that it's pathetic. I will never trust someone as worthless as you. i will never forgive you for what you've done. I will refuse to be anything like you.

You know what's funny.. when I started this. I was weak. I was scared. and I was confused.
But now, now I'm angry. I know what I'm not but I know what I am.
I am not weak. I am strong.
And I am not afraid anymore.
I'm one pissed off girl and I refuse to wait any longer for things to change.
Your time to physically and mentally abuse people, is over. You will never be able to abuse another child in your life. You won't be able to hurt my family anymore. You won't be able to hurt ANYONE. Because as of now,
I want you locked up where you belong. In prison, again, for the rest of your life.

And when that happens, I'll decide on what to do with the other knife so deeply stabbed into my back.

Rad Names

Girls

• Allyshay Makenna
• Willamina Marie
• Belladonna
• Ophelia Rose
• Ellery Lynn
• Nerissa Ember
• Eden Faye
• Nellie Blanche
• Arianna Talon
• Elsie Ashby
• Lola Wren
• Twilla Lane
• Teagen Corina
• Winifred Connor (Conrad)
• Nephele Blair
• Cinder Rose
• Astrid
• Estelle
• Poppy
• Maisie
• Rose

Boys

• Callum Lee
• Liam Shay
• Orson Vaughan
• Esme Vaughan
• Art Fletcher
• Ash Orion
• Griffon Finley
• Lyle Warren
• Auggie Wheeler
• Lane
• Lincoln Reid

And I'll become what you became to me..

-sigh.-
Today is one of those days. |x
I'm going through withdrawals... of a certain person. I miss them. A lot.

I have drivers ed today. I'm not really looking forward to it even though I passed my Permit Test (:
I dyed my hair too. Well, I did that a few days ago but I need to redye it. I only had one box and so it didn't get all through my hair. :( But I really like the color.

And there is a contest on Mix 96.1 to go to the Grammys. I've been trying to win it for a long time.. and I keep failing. It's bruising my ego big time. Oh well I guess. It's not like I'd have anything to wear. /:
Ha, I doubt I'll even have anything to wear for prom. Of course Misty already has her dress.. but it's whatever I guess. I probably won't even be able to go depending on where it is.

Blah. It's just a really blah day.
I'm gonna go curl my hair though and do my makeup so adios.

How many times can I break before I shatter.

It's sad how many teenagers a day kill themselves. How many people intentionally hurt others to feel good about themselves. How many people go on with their day knowing someone needs their help. It's sad.

I used to be one of those people that did bad things because I thought my life sucked. Of course, it was for attention. Attention I never received. But one day I just thought to myself.. why is my life so sucky that I need to do bad things? Why do I need attention when there are so many people out there with real problems, and real issues? I couldn't come up with an answer.
I've spent many days thinking about what people are going through when they decide to kill themselves. All the pain and anger they're feeling... I get it. There are some really fucking mean people out there. Some heartless, blood-thirsty, assholes that are capable of doing unheard of things. I get it, I do.
But the thing that gets me through my worst days, is remembering that no matter how bad things are right now, you have the ability to change them. YOU can make your life better.
"What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger."
I believe that quote with all my heart. Because there have been days when I wanted nothing more than to just give up. But I didn't. I decided to make myself stronger. To make something of myself and shove it in everyone's faces. I want to be the one that people look back at and say "Wow. She's so strong."
And one day, even if other people don't see how strong I am, I know I'm strong. Hell, anyone who makes it through life deserves a hell of a lot of credit. But I'll be able to pat myself on the back. And to me, that's a nice thought.

When I get older I want to be so many things.

• Photographer
• Producer
• Cosmetologist
• Psychiatrist
• Neonatal Nurse Practitioner. NNP. (They work with the newborn babies)
• TV show host
• Broadcaster/Radio DJ
• I want to work at EA creating The Sims Games xD
• Teacher
• Zoologist

exc exc.

-I'm never going to make enough money being a photographer but it's one of those jobs that you can do on the side.
-I'm not really 100% in love with the idea of being a producer.. I'd like to do something behind the scenes though.
-I LOVE cosmetology but my parents think I should go to college for something "worth while" because they don't make a lot of money. It's something I love but whatever I guess.
-I don't want to go to school for a million years to be a Psychiatrist but it's something I like doing and am good at so why not get paid for it? lol
-And if school for a Psychiatrist is long, NNP's have to go longer. And it'd be a scary job if one of the babies were sick so I don't know if I'd have enough backbone to do it.
-Broadcasters don't make a lot of money either but It's something I'd lovelovelove to do.
-The whole EA thing will probably never happen but I do have some good ideas. xD
-Teachers don't get paid a lot either but it's something I might be good at?
-And I haven't really done much intensive research but I assume that you don't get paid very much to scoop giraffe poo. /:

And last but not least... TV show host<3
That is the one dream that will probably never happen, but would mean the world to me. I want to have my own show. A mix of Dr.Phil's real life family issues, kind of like Tyra Banks too, but more like Ellen DeGeneres. Because she has a lot of Celebrity guests and does a lot of fun things, but also goes out and finds the real life people that make a difference in the world.
I'd have a cooking segment, an art segment, celebrity guests, real life guests... I'd want it all. I'd help the people that need help, I'd help the fans, I'd talk about real issues.
Oh god, I want it all so bad.
I mean, it doesn't sound that great, but that's where my team would help out. AHHHH! I feel like a little kid whenever I think about it. My insides get all happy and my heart does a happy dance. My mind starts zooming all theses awesome ideas.
iwantitiwantitiwant!
But how the hell do you go about getting your own tv show? Like, really? If anyone knows Oprah's number, hit me up. Cause even though I don't like Oprah (mainly because she has everything I want) I will definitely take her advice.

But back to the main point of the whole job things, is that being  a tv host could actually get me closer to making a difference in the world. I could help people that feel like I did, like there is nothing in the world that can help them..
I could do it.. I know I could.
I just have to figure out a way to do it. |:
Someday<3

If this is what we've got, then what we've got is gold.

Tonight is one of those nights that can't seem to get better even if it tried. (:

I love nights like these.<3

You know, as much I complain about not having friends and failing at life.. I am so thankful for the friends that I have. Because I may not have a lot of them, but the ones I do have are forever. 

They're never going to really leave me. They are never going to intentionally hurt me. They're the best friends anyone could ask for. And I'm thankful for that. 

I can be exactly who I am with them and not have to worry about being judged. They'll just laugh along beside me. And even though we fight sometimes, I think it only makes us stronger. 

My sister is like, my best friend. She's the total opposite of me and sometimes that get's the better of me, but she really is one of the coolest people I know. She's funny and weird, nerdy and awkward. She's a lot of things. But one thing she is not, is boring.

And Krista is like my lifeline. When we fight, she really is the only person I want to talk to. Which is quite annoying since obviously we're fighting but it makes me realize each time how much she means to me. One day I'll do something really stupid and she'll leave.. and I don't know what I'll do. She's not the type of person to just give up on someone right away, but everyone has their limits. 

Misty on the other hand, will never be able to get rid of me. lol. When we fight, we've made up by the end of the night. 

I love them like lord knows what. 

I love Mindy. I love Blake. I love my parents. I love the people that make me smile and make me feel like life isn't really all that bad. Because without them, I really would be one lonely kid. 

I miss your voice.

I do. I really, really, really do. I miss being able to talk to you without wondering if you're not listening. Or if we're actually alone.
I miss laughing and playing and knowing you won't have to leave soon. I miss casual conversation with no under laying tension. No careful wording or forced small talk. No awkwardness or locked away words.
You have no idea how much I miss it.
I just want to be able to go some where, just you and I, and talk. To just have a chance to be real. 
I want that so badly. 

Even the best fall down sometimes.. even the wrong words seem to rhyme

It'd be nice to be needed, just once.
To be loved and desired. To feel important and perfect. To have such intense happiness and bliss that smiling does nothing to describe your feelings.
I think I'd like that.


I think tonight is just one of those nights where it seems like the only good thing to do is wallow in self-pity. Especially seeing everyone be in relationships and wall posts saying how beautiful other people are and all these guys in like with these girls.
Who am I kidding.. one girl. A girl that is incredibly beautiful and funny. Definitely worth all the affection and love.
it's still hard to stand beside someone when you're not nearly as beautiful.
Oh well.

Killing me softly, with your words.

I'm the type of person that imagines a whole new world in her head. I think of alternative conversations and future possibilities, all the time. I go to sleep thinking of all the things I could say to someone that I've been wanting to say, and bracing myself for what could happen.. planning my words carefully. 

And there is one person I would love to just pour out my entire being too, and I can't. 

I can never figure out what to say, how to put things.. I'm always afraid if I do, things will never be the same.

I'm always the nice one. The polite, quiet, sweet person. I sugar coat the truth telling people what they want to hear with only a mild dose of honesty... because that's the polite thing to do. To not go around hurting peoples' feelings and making everyone angry at you. Then, after so long of being nice and trying to make things better, you start to go crazy. 

Don't get me wrong, I like being nice. I can find a million ways to make someone smile and it's something I'm good at. I try to be a good person, always keeping optimistic and always keeping hope that people can change, but that's where I start to go bonkers. 

Always being nice. 

And to make things worse, I remember everything. All the little comments people have made about me, all the times I've been hurt or forgotten, the fights, the tears, the forgiving. I remember it all. All of those lay around inside my head waiting to be brought up so I can finally get them out of my system. 

The way I see it, my brain is like a junkyard. There's a bunch of crap laying around everywhere. Emotions stacked in piles. Memories floating freely. Words crammed into locked boxes. Dust bunnies rolling across the floor. Everything a perfect mess. 

I know I sound like a complete crazy person, but I'm not going to go around killing people or planning world domination. I'm not smart enough and I don't have the drive to try.. nor the need to. I just need to figure out a way to express all my feelings to some people without making them hate me.. or at least a way to tell them all my feelings and accept the outcome. 

So, since I don't plan to tell this certain person anything, yet, I'll just write down all my feelings here. Because I'm better at typing things out than saying it to someones face. And plus, no one reads these things anyways.

To the person I need to say these things too:

I think you're being stupid. You're weak. You're a hypocrite. You're oblivious and ignorant. You're a good liar. You tell people what they want to hear all the time. You've changed a lot. You're selfish. You're settling for second best.. correction, for the worst. You jumped into a tank of starving sharks and you can't even see that. You're dumb and hurtful. You're predictable and pathetic. You're needy and easy. It's like you don't even care any more that you're hurting everyone that loves you. 

But I love you. I MISS YOU. You're strong and beautiful. Overly aggressive but loving. Funny, charming, smart. Never dependable but always there to protect you. Wise and comforting. You had lot's going for you. People love you and care for you. They want the best for you. You were always my idol. I just want to be the part of your life, that you look back on and smile about. I love you.. so, so, much. 

And that is all I have to say because in the end, it's not about the words. It's not about the hate or the sugar coated truth... it's knowing that no matter what, I will always love you. Always. <3

Lasting Impressions

I've been to three, four including Insight, schools. Though I try to be a pleasant and humorous person, apparently I am really easy to forget.
How the hell am I supposed to make a lasting impression on someone when I'm already being the best me I can be? I don't want to go through life being forgotten. I mean, I don't want shrines of my face floating around every where but I would like it if a few people remembered who I am and occasionally said they missed me. Especially people from other schools. /:
I don't want to go around being someone I'm not.. because that's just to damn hard but I would like to figure out the secret to being totally awesome and memorable.

Otherwise, I'm destined to a life of a wallflower.

Confidence

Most days I stand with one foot on the confident side and one foot on the self-conscious side. I'd like to be able to take that last step over into the side of happiness.. and to never look back. 

Some days, I think I'm there. But it's always days where I'm by myself and I've been thinking about other peoples' traits. That's always when I realize I'm not really that bad.  

But it's also days where I'm by myself, that I feel so incomplete and unwanted that I feel the worst. 

It's funny how that works..

Chameleons

I am a chameleon. I blend into the feelings of the people surrounding me. I am easily persuaded, though I never lose sight of what I really feel for myself. I often get confused by all the emotions inside of me.. fear, happiness, distrust, weariness but I always know what I stand for.
I want nothing more than to be a strong person but I know I am not. I am weak. I lack courage and willpower. I run from things when they get bad and I can hardly stand to be alone knowing I have to fend for myself. I'm gullible. I fall easily into people's traps, never once doubting their intentions.
I would rather love than fight, forgive than hold a grudge, cry than hold it in. But does that really make me weak? Does being in tune with my emotions and open with others make me weak? I'm learning that I think not.
Being strong isn't about being able to pick things up. It's about being able to forgive. To not lose sight of what you want. It's never putting yourself in front of others' needs, but knowing the limitations of that statement. It's trusting and allowing people to help you when you need it. It's courage and willpower, wiseness, hope, honesty, trust, truth, gentleness, awareness.. it's something we each possess.
Even if we don't have everything on that list, we have some. There are so many things that can make a person strong, just in different ways.
I may be afraid of the dark and over-trust/under-trust, but I am strong.
And so are you.