It's hard to understand the meaning of love when there are so many versions..

I think I'm stuck on pause in my life. I can't forget the past, I'm procrastinating in the present, and I'm giddy for the future.
My past is filled with so many good memories that I don't want to let go of it. I don't want to stop reliving all the happiness I had. Everything was good back then. Everything was safe. I was a kid.. I didn't have to worry about where I wanted to go to school, if I had a boyfriend, or what I want in my life. I always had someone to fall back on and I never had too many responsibilites.
My present is so routine that anything out of the norm makes me go crazy. It's like if I just stay where I am forever, I'll never have to move out and try to live my life alone. I can just keep being lazy, always have a place to stay, not have to pay any bills.. just be a kid.
But I'm also ready for the future. I'm ready for life to get good again. I want to show everyone that I'm not just a lazy fat kid. I want to be a beautiful, strong, stable person that people can rely on.
It's kind of sad that the one thing I hope for in the future anymore, is to make things better with my sister. If things could be fixed with her, my life might be able to go back on play. I guess I'm just scared that things won't work out and I'll always feel like this. And no matter how hard I try.. I can't stop thinking about it. I can't just erase it out of my life.

I've honestly become a hermit. If I could stay stay at home and play sims every single day with no worries, I'd be there in a heartbeat. But I can't. And at times, I don't think I'd want that. I want to have a life.
I think I might just want to move again...
I hated moving before. When I went to Ithaca, it was the best time of my entire life. It was good. I loveloveloveloved my home. 150 acres of freedom. Animals of every shape, size, color.. everywhere. Tame, wild, big, little. It will forever be my home<3 The people were nice and I had friends. Good friends. I had my sports, I was good in the classroom, I had everything. And moving was horrible for me.
But weston was good for a while too. I miss some of the people there even though I wanted nothing more than to get away back then. I regret not living to my fullest there. I matured faster than everyone and I went through a stage that made me an outcast. So by the time we had to move, I wanted too.
Tomah was scary but middle school was amazing. High school.. not so much. And my house is decent. Nothing to complain of really.
But I'm ready to move again. I want a new start.. I want to be everything I know I am inside. Popular, smart.. funny. (And by popular, I mean well-liked. Popular for a good reason and not just for being a plastic whore.) For that to happen though, I'd have to get skinny, pretty, witty, interesting, and rich. But maybe I don't have to do those things. Maybe I can just magically move somewhere where the people are good and accepting. But that'll never happen because people just aren't like that.
I don't want people to know what I was like before puberty. I don't want people to know about my past.. just a fresh start. New house. New friends (with the exception of Krista because there is no way in hell I'm letting her go just yet) New adventures.
I could've done that at Tomah but it's hard standing out when there are so many people. But smalls schools are also kind bad because there are only a few people and if you don't fit in, you're fucked. But I'd take the risk.
I just need something to put my life on play again..

3:47am thoughts.

Why do we have to be judged all the time? Why can't I swear, and be messy, and say exactly what I feel without wondering who is going to object and who is going to be offended? Why do I have to fit everyone's standard when I expect the littlest out of them? I'm never going to be perfect, that's plain to see.
I like swearing, believe it or not. I find humor in calling people wankers and saying fuck. I like telling people how I feel and expressing my opinions on things, good or bad. I LIKE having a messy room!
The thing I DON'T like is having to be someone I'm not, just to please others.
I like being a little redneck and being a little hick. I like having a close family and being able to do messed up shit with them. I like knowing that the people I'm with are real and that what we have is real. I like knowing that around them, I don't have to be anything other than myself.
And I think it's a bunch of bull having to feel that way about your own family but hey, it's just a little blood that we share. Not anything important...
It's sad that I actually care in the first place but I think having my family be the black sheep of the.. big family, makes you realize these things. Our family has never fit in and I don't think we ever will.. and it makes me a little sad feeling shunned by people I'm supposed to feel comfortable with but I'm not going to go out of my way to impress these people.

And another thing, PEOPLE NEED TO SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT BEING SINGLE! My God! Guys aren't all douche bags and girls aren't all damsels in distress. Some guys are good and some girls are catty bitches. It just depends on the person. Sometimes I just wish everyone was in a relationship just so people shut up about being single.. but then I'd have to read sappy love quotes all day and that wouldn't be any better so it's a lose/lose situation. Just freakin stop looking and when the time is right, the right person will come. Stop wasting away your life in search of your prince charming when the only people you come in contact with are slimy frogs! Sooner or later you'll stray away from the pond and find the castle.. it just takes time.
But please... do us a favor and shut up about how lonely you are. We're all lonely and we all just want a little love.
You aren't anything special because your boyfriend was an ass and you can't find anyone else. You're kids. Just grab your blankie and a sippie cup, and chill. cause it's the best your gonna get at this age. /:

Someone is always going to break your heart..

and it doesn't have to come in the form of a boy. That's what sucks.. if you know what to look out for, you can save yourself. But you can't hide from everyone. If you do, you break your own heart.
At least when someone else does it for you, you have some memories for the road...

Because I only go on here to complain...fuck run-on sentences.. I do run-on paragraphs.

blah. There isn't really anything to talk about yet I'm here ready to spill out my brains.  I miss Mindy and I miss Kuryn.
And I've been having incredibly weird, but comforting dreams. They have a lot of people I know in them but I don't understand why they're there. I don't know how to explain it.
I'm not sure if it's the people/things that happen in them that makes the dreams so foreign to me or if it's how I feel when I wake up. Today my dreams had a boy in it and we were nursing back these skunk/sugar glider/small little animal thing and then we found the mom and another baby. So we had to nurse them and some old man that lived by my aunt had died and that's where we found them.. And before that we were running down this hill and he was chasing me and I felt so good. I feel like at any moment he could walk in the door and complete my life.. and it's stupid because he's not even real. I wish he were, oh how I wish he were.
Curse my brain for that stupid dream because now I'm acting like one of those stupid girls.
But am I really any different from those girls? I've been exactly like that for as long as I can remember and then one day I just decided I'd never act like that. So have I really changed? Do I really believe all the things I say? No.
Why? Because it feels good to live in a dream. If feels so damn good.
And even if I wanted to go out and date, I couldn't. Not even because people aren't interested in me but because I have nowhere to go. I don't go to school, I barely ever go anywhere besides wal*mart. I'm trapped inside a world with myself and no one else.
I'm not sure what I'm going to do when I go back to school.. I won't know how to act anymore. Hell, I won't be able to take the fake bitches that walk to hallways.
I can't stand people anymore. I just can't.
But if I automatically shun everyone in the place, how am I going to find someone worth my time?
How am I going to find my Prince Charming?

Ugh. For not having anything to talk about I sure can complain a lot. /:
I've had a lot on my chest lately. Which is surprising since nothing has even happend.
Maybe that's why.

I really miss Mindy. I don't even know why. I usually don't say her name on these stupid things because no one reads them and I've said some mean things that no human should say... but I guess I figure if I don't say names, no one will know who I'm talking about. Which is stupid. People see right through me.
ha, yeah right. People look but people don't really see. And when they do see.. it's just what they want. I'm a lot more than I look. and even the people that really know me don't really know me all that much.
I'm just one big glob of crazy jumbled into a few skin cells.
But I just can't get over the fact that I've practically lost one of the most important people in my life. Hell, I lost two.
Family is supposed to last forever, through thick and thin. It's more than just blood and a name. It's love and trust and understanding... it's things two non-related people can't compete with. It's something you can't break even if you want too. But somehow you've taken that sentence to a whole new perspective for me.
I don't know what the hell I'm supposed to do. I can't forget someone I've spent my entire life looking up too and I can't just erase the memories from my mind. I just wish things would work out and I can have my family back.
I'm tired of praying for a phone call or a sign things will get better and I'm god damn tired of tell myself not to care. It's fucking bullshit.
It's kind of like my childhood has been ruined because of something beyond me. I've grown up so much since it's all happened and I feel like I haven't even got a chance to be a kid.
I know I have though. I guess I'm just scared of growing up. I'm scared of loosing more people, I'm scared of being alone forever, I'm scared of trying to face the world by myself.
It's so easy to walk your way into someones life but it's hell trying to walk away. And it hurts even more when it happens to you. 
I don't know why I'm the spokesperson for being abandoned but I am. I'm a relatively good person. I'm passive, caring, trusting.. I'm on the higher side of the "good person" scale. So why do I always get walked over? Because I AM passive and caring and trusting.
aw hell. who knew life could be so confusing.

I'd give anything to have my family back.. they're all I have.
My parents, Misty, Krista.. they are my everything. I wish I could say I had more but I don't really. I mean, I have other friends but no one as close to my family as Krista.
I know people get jealous because of that.. but Krista has earned her place here. And even if my own sister doesn't want to be a part of my life, Krista does. And I'm thankful beyond words for that because she has made things so much easier. Her and Misty both. <3

I just can't figure out why she won't come back... I'd come back. Of course I'd never have to come back, because I wouldn't leave in the first place. Family means more to me than life itself. Without my family, I'd be nothing. So how come I'm the only one who feels that way?
Why am I the only one that says that and means it 100 percent?

I don't know.
I need to stop though, it's getting to be to much for me. I can't wait to be done with high school so I can be free.
I need something to take things off my mind.
A book.
A book is just what I need.
Goodnight. Hopefully next time I have something positive to say instead of always complaining. I type faster than I write though so this is as good as it gets for me. And just for the record, I'm not going to go kill myself or anything. lol. I'm perfectly sane.. just confused.
adios.