The other day as I was driving home, I started thinking about friends and why I can't seem to keep any. Even though I love spending time with my old friends and I've missed them like crazy, they weren't there for me when I needed them the most.
They weren't there when I was in pain. They didn't call and say 'get well'. They didn't make any efforts to get in contact with me.. not a one of them. And it's only so long before you start wondering about yourself. It's only a matter of time before you start building the walls. And that's what I did.
I built walls. They didn't want to talk to me so I didn't want to talk to them either. They didn't call and neither did I. They never texted so I'd erase my letters and push end. And pretty soon when we did hang out, it was awkward. It wasn't the same.
By that point everyone had moved on. School was the only thing that we had in common and now we didn't even have that. And I didn't want to hear about my old friends and everything I could be doing, SHOULD be doing. And they didn't want to hear about my stupid adventures with my only friend.
And then I realized something.
I was using the one person who genuinely cared about me as revenge, as proof that I had a life and a best friend. A best friend that was there for me. And someone who wasn't in my social group.. someone I could make my old friends jealous with. And although it was a tempting reason to continue my friendship with her, it wasn't why I did. Which made me think that hey, ANY person should be jealous that I have her as my friend. That she chooses to spend her free time with me.
And these days, I'm thinking that I'm probably not going to be good enough anymore. But that's a whole new topic.
So why have I lost every single friend I've ever had? And why have I created a person that dislikes people so much? My car ride made me realize that maybe it wasn't my friends being sucky friends. Maybe it wasn't that I wasn't good enough to remember.
Maybe it was just life catching up with me. But when I hurt so bad physically and no one was there.. it sucked. It was like the pain became my only friend. Of course a friend would never hurt you like that, so I thought. But maybe that's why I've come to dislike people in general. Because my body was hurting me, the one person I'm supposed to be able to trust, maybe I just started figuring that if I could create this pain myself.. that everyone around me could do much worse. And even if the pain that was going on with me, wasn't physically nor intentionally caused by me.. it still felt like that. And no one was there to reassure me that people aren't always going to hurt you.
By that time, I'd already started hiding behind my disability. I liked staying at home and I didn't mind being by myself at first, I still don't sometimes. But then I started ignoring invites to hang out and stopped trying in general.
Now I don't know if there is a way out.
I just need someone to come into my life and give me an adventure worth fighting the pain for. Worth breaking down my walls.
I just need someone.
