Knowing yourself.

I wish I could peel away the layers of who I am and get to the core of me. Take away the clothes, the shape, the walls, and just see what I am. I don't need to know 'who' I am, just what I am.



I'd like to know what makes me, me. Why I act so stupid sometimes and why I can't be the perfect person I had envisioned when I was younger.
Well, I know the answer to that last statement... I'm not who I was back then. I don't want the same things in life and I don't have the same dreams. I'm a different person... Sometimes that scares me.



How can someone change so much? How can someone be so terrible and insecure when they were once so carefree and good? I guess that's growing up.
I struggle at finding a balance between accepting who I am and demanding change from myself. At times I am okay with who I am, not happy but accepting, most of the time that comes at my lowest moments. And other times I hate myself. I hate everything I've become and get so furious and frustrated... I guess that's why I do things I'm not proud of.
 But I am thankful that even when I get really down, I am able to make myself feel better by telling myself "I'm worth it. That I'll be able to find something better than what has let me down, that I can do whatever I want. People are replaceable. Dreams are reachable. Hope is never failing. And I, I am a good and worthy person.

What makes other people so much better than me? What makes me unworthy of someones love and friendship? Nothing. I refuse to surround myself with people that don't see that." Most of the time it helps.

Of course, why should I even be down? I have a house over my head. Food in my stomach. Opportunities to go to school. I have family and friends that love me. Even though I forget that sometimes... or get angry.

Ugh, another reason I hate myself! I am so confusing, even to myself. I get angry at people for little things and I get jealous. I wallow in self pity rather than taking charge and changing things. I let people walk over me and I don't do a damn thing about it. I take it. And then when I do get angry and do something about it, I forgive them as soon as I defend myself. Maybe it's because I trust those people and know they didn't do it intentionally or because I know that I could never hate them. Or maybe it's because I can't seem to let the only people who have stuck around, go.
And the thing that makes me the most angry at myself, is how vulnerable I am. I put my heart out on a platter and open up, giving them a chance to take one giant chomp out of my fragile, little heart. I write stupid letters telling them everything hoping it will make things better. It doesn't. It just makes me seem desperate and needy. Hell, I am.
I just want to be loved.
But I also want to be strong, for myself. I want to be able to see past the lies and masks. I want to be able to resist being a clone. I don't want to hurt.. so I build up the walls, higher and higher.

I know though, that when some stupid boy comes along, I'm going to fall right off one of those walls for him... into a big pile of "teenage girl syndrome".

Yay for singleness and boo for wondering when the hell you're going to know the person staring back at you in the mirror.