I think I'm stuck on pause in my life. I can't forget the past, I'm procrastinating in the present, and I'm giddy for the future.
My past is filled with so many good memories that I don't want to let go of it. I don't want to stop reliving all the happiness I had. Everything was good back then. Everything was safe. I was a kid.. I didn't have to worry about where I wanted to go to school, if I had a boyfriend, or what I want in my life. I always had someone to fall back on and I never had too many responsibilites.
My present is so routine that anything out of the norm makes me go crazy. It's like if I just stay where I am forever, I'll never have to move out and try to live my life alone. I can just keep being lazy, always have a place to stay, not have to pay any bills.. just be a kid.
But I'm also ready for the future. I'm ready for life to get good again. I want to show everyone that I'm not just a lazy fat kid. I want to be a beautiful, strong, stable person that people can rely on.
It's kind of sad that the one thing I hope for in the future anymore, is to make things better with my sister. If things could be fixed with her, my life might be able to go back on play. I guess I'm just scared that things won't work out and I'll always feel like this. And no matter how hard I try.. I can't stop thinking about it. I can't just erase it out of my life.
I've honestly become a hermit. If I could stay stay at home and play sims every single day with no worries, I'd be there in a heartbeat. But I can't. And at times, I don't think I'd want that. I want to have a life.
I think I might just want to move again...
I hated moving before. When I went to Ithaca, it was the best time of my entire life. It was good. I loveloveloveloved my home. 150 acres of freedom. Animals of every shape, size, color.. everywhere. Tame, wild, big, little. It will forever be my home<3 The people were nice and I had friends. Good friends. I had my sports, I was good in the classroom, I had everything. And moving was horrible for me.
But weston was good for a while too. I miss some of the people there even though I wanted nothing more than to get away back then. I regret not living to my fullest there. I matured faster than everyone and I went through a stage that made me an outcast. So by the time we had to move, I wanted too.
Tomah was scary but middle school was amazing. High school.. not so much. And my house is decent. Nothing to complain of really.
But I'm ready to move again. I want a new start.. I want to be everything I know I am inside. Popular, smart.. funny. (And by popular, I mean well-liked. Popular for a good reason and not just for being a plastic whore.) For that to happen though, I'd have to get skinny, pretty, witty, interesting, and rich. But maybe I don't have to do those things. Maybe I can just magically move somewhere where the people are good and accepting. But that'll never happen because people just aren't like that.
I don't want people to know what I was like before puberty. I don't want people to know about my past.. just a fresh start. New house. New friends (with the exception of Krista because there is no way in hell I'm letting her go just yet) New adventures.
I could've done that at Tomah but it's hard standing out when there are so many people. But smalls schools are also kind bad because there are only a few people and if you don't fit in, you're fucked. But I'd take the risk.
I just need something to put my life on play again..
No comments:
Post a Comment