blah. There isn't really anything to talk about yet I'm here ready to spill out my brains. I miss Mindy and I miss Kuryn.
And I've been having incredibly weird, but comforting dreams. They have a lot of people I know in them but I don't understand why they're there. I don't know how to explain it.
I'm not sure if it's the people/things that happen in them that makes the dreams so foreign to me or if it's how I feel when I wake up. Today my dreams had a boy in it and we were nursing back these skunk/sugar glider/small little animal thing and then we found the mom and another baby. So we had to nurse them and some old man that lived by my aunt had died and that's where we found them.. And before that we were running down this hill and he was chasing me and I felt so good. I feel like at any moment he could walk in the door and complete my life.. and it's stupid because he's not even real. I wish he were, oh how I wish he were.
Curse my brain for that stupid dream because now I'm acting like one of those stupid girls.
But am I really any different from those girls? I've been exactly like that for as long as I can remember and then one day I just decided I'd never act like that. So have I really changed? Do I really believe all the things I say? No.
Why? Because it feels good to live in a dream. If feels so damn good.
And even if I wanted to go out and date, I couldn't. Not even because people aren't interested in me but because I have nowhere to go. I don't go to school, I barely ever go anywhere besides wal*mart. I'm trapped inside a world with myself and no one else.
I'm not sure what I'm going to do when I go back to school.. I won't know how to act anymore. Hell, I won't be able to take the fake bitches that walk to hallways.
I can't stand people anymore. I just can't.
But if I automatically shun everyone in the place, how am I going to find someone worth my time?
How am I going to find my Prince Charming?
Ugh. For not having anything to talk about I sure can complain a lot. /:
I've had a lot on my chest lately. Which is surprising since nothing has even happend.
Maybe that's why.
I really miss Mindy. I don't even know why. I usually don't say her name on these stupid things because no one reads them and I've said some mean things that no human should say... but I guess I figure if I don't say names, no one will know who I'm talking about. Which is stupid. People see right through me.
ha, yeah right. People look but people don't really see. And when they do see.. it's just what they want. I'm a lot more than I look. and even the people that really know me don't really know me all that much.
I'm just one big glob of crazy jumbled into a few skin cells.
But I just can't get over the fact that I've practically lost one of the most important people in my life. Hell, I lost two.
Family is supposed to last forever, through thick and thin. It's more than just blood and a name. It's love and trust and understanding... it's things two non-related people can't compete with. It's something you can't break even if you want too. But somehow you've taken that sentence to a whole new perspective for me.
I don't know what the hell I'm supposed to do. I can't forget someone I've spent my entire life looking up too and I can't just erase the memories from my mind. I just wish things would work out and I can have my family back.
I'm tired of praying for a phone call or a sign things will get better and I'm god damn tired of tell myself not to care. It's fucking bullshit.
It's kind of like my childhood has been ruined because of something beyond me. I've grown up so much since it's all happened and I feel like I haven't even got a chance to be a kid.
I know I have though. I guess I'm just scared of growing up. I'm scared of loosing more people, I'm scared of being alone forever, I'm scared of trying to face the world by myself.
It's so easy to walk your way into someones life but it's hell trying to walk away. And it hurts even more when it happens to you.
I don't know why I'm the spokesperson for being abandoned but I am. I'm a relatively good person. I'm passive, caring, trusting.. I'm on the higher side of the "good person" scale. So why do I always get walked over? Because I AM passive and caring and trusting.
aw hell. who knew life could be so confusing.
I'd give anything to have my family back.. they're all I have.
My parents, Misty, Krista.. they are my everything. I wish I could say I had more but I don't really. I mean, I have other friends but no one as close to my family as Krista.
I know people get jealous because of that.. but Krista has earned her place here. And even if my own sister doesn't want to be a part of my life, Krista does. And I'm thankful beyond words for that because she has made things so much easier. Her and Misty both. <3
I just can't figure out why she won't come back... I'd come back. Of course I'd never have to come back, because I wouldn't leave in the first place. Family means more to me than life itself. Without my family, I'd be nothing. So how come I'm the only one who feels that way?
Why am I the only one that says that and means it 100 percent?
I don't know.
I need to stop though, it's getting to be to much for me. I can't wait to be done with high school so I can be free.
I need something to take things off my mind.
A book.
A book is just what I need.
Goodnight. Hopefully next time I have something positive to say instead of always complaining. I type faster than I write though so this is as good as it gets for me. And just for the record, I'm not going to go kill myself or anything. lol. I'm perfectly sane.. just confused.
adios.
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