Killing me softly, with your words.

I'm the type of person that imagines a whole new world in her head. I think of alternative conversations and future possibilities, all the time. I go to sleep thinking of all the things I could say to someone that I've been wanting to say, and bracing myself for what could happen.. planning my words carefully. 

And there is one person I would love to just pour out my entire being too, and I can't. 

I can never figure out what to say, how to put things.. I'm always afraid if I do, things will never be the same.

I'm always the nice one. The polite, quiet, sweet person. I sugar coat the truth telling people what they want to hear with only a mild dose of honesty... because that's the polite thing to do. To not go around hurting peoples' feelings and making everyone angry at you. Then, after so long of being nice and trying to make things better, you start to go crazy. 

Don't get me wrong, I like being nice. I can find a million ways to make someone smile and it's something I'm good at. I try to be a good person, always keeping optimistic and always keeping hope that people can change, but that's where I start to go bonkers. 

Always being nice. 

And to make things worse, I remember everything. All the little comments people have made about me, all the times I've been hurt or forgotten, the fights, the tears, the forgiving. I remember it all. All of those lay around inside my head waiting to be brought up so I can finally get them out of my system. 

The way I see it, my brain is like a junkyard. There's a bunch of crap laying around everywhere. Emotions stacked in piles. Memories floating freely. Words crammed into locked boxes. Dust bunnies rolling across the floor. Everything a perfect mess. 

I know I sound like a complete crazy person, but I'm not going to go around killing people or planning world domination. I'm not smart enough and I don't have the drive to try.. nor the need to. I just need to figure out a way to express all my feelings to some people without making them hate me.. or at least a way to tell them all my feelings and accept the outcome. 

So, since I don't plan to tell this certain person anything, yet, I'll just write down all my feelings here. Because I'm better at typing things out than saying it to someones face. And plus, no one reads these things anyways.

To the person I need to say these things too:

I think you're being stupid. You're weak. You're a hypocrite. You're oblivious and ignorant. You're a good liar. You tell people what they want to hear all the time. You've changed a lot. You're selfish. You're settling for second best.. correction, for the worst. You jumped into a tank of starving sharks and you can't even see that. You're dumb and hurtful. You're predictable and pathetic. You're needy and easy. It's like you don't even care any more that you're hurting everyone that loves you. 

But I love you. I MISS YOU. You're strong and beautiful. Overly aggressive but loving. Funny, charming, smart. Never dependable but always there to protect you. Wise and comforting. You had lot's going for you. People love you and care for you. They want the best for you. You were always my idol. I just want to be the part of your life, that you look back on and smile about. I love you.. so, so, much. 

And that is all I have to say because in the end, it's not about the words. It's not about the hate or the sugar coated truth... it's knowing that no matter what, I will always love you. Always. <3